Garage sales are very interesting events on Saturday mornings. It takes a very different person to get up at the crack of dawn on the weekend, to drive around and sift through the crap that other people don’t want. I know, I know. One person’s trash is another person’s treasure. I get it, and I am not really cracking on garage sale people in general. Just the morons that were at my house this past weekend.
We have had a corner of the basement blocked off for about a year with things that we really didn’t want any longer. A lot of it was still in good shape, but just didn’t work with my theme any longer. (Shut Up! I know I said theme!) Anyway, when the HOA decided to have a community-wide garage sale, we figured that was the perfect time to try to make a little change off the stuff I just wanted hauled away. So, we hauled all the items up to the garage, slapped some little prices on them, and awaited the freaks, err, shoppers.
Because it was raining all day Saturday, all the items were actually inside the garage, but it was still seemed pretty obvious what was on sale, and what wasn’t. It seemed that everyone that came by started their shopping experience by looking on the walls and shelves. I had four requests to by my pressure washer, two requests for the brand new exterior lights that were still in their boxes, waiting for the painters to finish, so I could hang them up. I had one person offer to buy my bike, even though he was 5’2″, and couldn’t ride my bike if I had a toddler seat on the back. I don’t even know how he manage to reach the pedals on the car he drove up in. I even had someone ask if their child could go in my house and use the bathroom. Fine! But I am frisking him on the way out. I don’t care that he is 3!
There was another woman who came by, and stayed for about 30 minutes, and spent $1. First, she changed her kid’s diaper in the middle of my garage, and then commented on the lack of visible tools in my garage. My tools are put away neatly in cabinets and toolboxes lady! Do you want to buy this stool or not? Then she eyeballed some cute little sandals that my wife had in the sale. Now my wife wears like a 6.5 ladies shoes. My annoying patron, as she pulled her meaty hoof out of her own shoe, appeared to be wearing about a 12, but she tried to force that giant appendage into that tiny little shoe! You break it, you own it! Come to think of it, I never did see what she did with that dirty diaper!
Then there was Joe eBay. Joe was looking for stuff that he could turn around and sell on eBay. His first question was if I had any musical instruments. Nah, man. I think all our inventory is out on the floor, but I can go check in the back for you to see if we have any drum sets, trumpets, or guitars. Then he eyeballed some old wetsuits that we were selling. While checking these out, he asked if I had “one of those Internet Phones”. Being a little rusty on speaking “Dumbass”, I replied that I did not. Well, he saw my iPhone in my hand and asked, “You cain’t get the internet on that thing?” “Oh! You mean, do I have one of any of the billion cell phones that can access the internet, including the one my child has? Yeah, I can access the internet.” He wanted me to go to eBay, to see how much he could turn around and sell the wetsuits for. “Get the &%$# out of my garage!
With all of that, the most annoying person was yet to come! This old woman, who appeared to be the spry age of 102, showed up, and began to check everything out. When I said good morning to her, I assumed she was just being rude when she didn’t answer, but as it turns out, she spoke very little English. She wanted to purchase a back massager that was still in its original box. She held the box in the air, and one finger, which I assumed to mean she was offering me $1. Whatever, I am just ready to be done with this, so give me the buck, and go away. Our transaction completed, she then took the massager out of the box, handed it back to me, and pointed to a power outlet. “Okay, but it needs to charge. It won’t run for long.” I plugged it in, and of course it stayed on for about 10 seconds and died. “No Work!”, she said to me. “Yes, ma’am, it does work. It needs to charge.” “No Work!”, she said again. Already losing my patience, I told my wife to give her her money back. Saying, “No Work” again to no one in particular, she turned to leave.
Twenty minutes later, she returned with who I assume was her daughter. They were looking very hard at some shelves that were for sale. Decent glass shelves, that I had two sets of. They were also looking at an electric coffee grinder that we had an extra of. The grinder was brand new, and I had paid about $40 for it the previous year. It had maybe been used 5-6 times. I was asking $10 for it. The daughter gives me the same gesture the Mom had given me, so I assumed she wanted to see the grinder work. It just so happened that I had a few beans left in it, so I plugged it in, ground a few beans, and let them see and smell the results. “That Old! Why you ask $10?” Okay, now it is on! I know that I don’t want this stuff anymore, but you don’t have to come and insult my junk! “It is not old. I will just keep it, and you can go have a nice day.” “Two dollars!”, she offered. “Ten”, I replied. “Three!” “Eight!” “Three!” “Seven dollars, and you and the old lady go away!” She ended up buying the shelves, and the grinder, but then asked, as she glanced at my SUV, if I had a truck. Oh hell no! This is not Lowes. I am not delivering. I am not installing. I am not hauling the old refrigerator away. What the hell!
Anyway, I now remember why I only have a garage sale every 5 years or so. I am sure it is just me though.
PS-I do remember buying an old fridge at a garage sale that a friend was having, and I also remember they delivered it to my house in their truck. I am sure she will remind me of this when she reads this, but I don’t want to hear it! That was different.
Laughed out loud multiple times! Great post! I, too, never have garage sales of my own. I hate that people want to haggle on a 50 cent item.